Evil Enemy
by Racke
Summary: Enemies are useful things to have, because you can steal their AC without feeling guilty about it. Future!fic


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 **Story** : [Evil Enemy]

 **Summary** : Enemies are useful things to have, because you can steal their AC without feeling guilty about it. Future!fic

 **Genre** : Humor, slight Romance

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The ceiling fan was spinning. Round and round, trying hopelessly to alleviate the suffocating heat.

It was kind of sad, or perhaps it wasn't a personal thing? It wasn't as if anyone could blame it for doing its job, even if that job was clearly proving ineffectual. Though, again, it was probably sad that it couldn't be acknowledged for its obvious efforts, too outmatched against the impossibly unstoppable foe that was summer.

Life could be pretty boring. It could be hectic too, and dangerous, and kind of terrifying. Personally, I preferred the boredom to the chaos of it all, but it wasn't as if boredom was somehow wasn't an enemy in its own right.

Speaking of enemies, I suppose I haven't seen her for a while now. Not for a bit over a month now, back when she'd had to rush to get on the plane.

It was her own fault for delaying it until that moment. Idiot.

I frowned, suddenly thoughtful. Her birthday was a pretty long while away, but that was definitely a thought for a future present. She would never willingly submit to actually creating and maintaining a schedule on her own, so it was actually a pretty ideal present. The kind of present that I could lord over her head every time she only barely managed to get to an appointment on time.

Yeah. I've decided, that's definitely what I'm buying for her birthday. And then I can laugh at her for hours and hours as she completely fails at actually using it. Ah, that's going to be fun.

The ceiling fan continued spinning lazily along and I can't quite help but sigh, because honestly how can it expect to keep its job if it's so fantastically unenthusiastic about actually doing it? Crap, I'm really going to have to get some kind of AC, otherwise I'll die.

But I don't want to buy things, and I'm bored, and really I just kind of want to be too busy to worry about this. Except, I don't really want to do anything that could classify as 'work'. I refuse to work on my time off, especially if I'm not getting paid for it.

I wonder what she's doing? She can't possibly only be working over there. She'd have called to rant and complain about it by now if she did. No, she was probably slacking off just as much as me. Though, knowing her, she'd definitely have AC. Even if she had to blackmail it off some innocent bystander.

Ah, what a fearsome enemy that I have acquired. Truly, a demon of unrivaled evil.

A demon with access to a working AC.

Clearly, as the hero of the story, I need to go there and have an amazingly moving and overly dramatic showdown and liberate that AC from her accursed grasp.

Right. I'm actually bored enough to seriously consider this. Fantastic, that accursed demon is now tainting my mind. Obviously the only way to stop her is to confront her about it.

So I guess I'll have to look up when the next plane leaves? Man, that's such a pain. Truly, what a horrifyingly demanding demon of an enemy, to force me to do things like that during my spare time.

XXX

The airport has AC, but it's kind of painfully noisy, and it feels like someone is just waiting for an opportune moment to bump into me with all of the careless violence of a distracted individual.

Even in this cool place, I cannot find a way to rest. Clearly, my enemy is the most fearsome of all demons, to corrupt even a place like this to her evil whims.

The voice on the other side of the phone gives way to an electronic 'beep'.

"Yo. My AC died, and I don't feel like fixing it, so I'm going to steal yours, see you."

All heroes must properly inform their enemies that they're going to be attacking. Otherwise it completely ruins the 'overly dramatic'-part of the showdown, and that's just rude.

XXX

"Wow, and I thought _I_ was bored." The enemy comments with carelessly ruthless cruelty as she opens the door to her apartment.

I'll have you know that my boredom had absolutely no impact on my decision to have an overly dramatic showdown with the most evil of all demons that have ever walked the earth.

"I'm flattered." She says flatly. "And exactly how were you planning on defeating me, you lowly and insignificant hero?"

I feel as if I should take offense to that, but I'm only a part-time hero, and she's definitely a world-class demon, so it's not as if she's completely wrong in talking down at me in this case.

Still, I certainly wasn't foolish enough to rush all the way here without first thinking of a decent plan to defeat her. And with the unveiling of my masterful scheme, her eyes grow wide.

"You're bribing me with a popsicle?" She sounds incredulous, obviously not having expected my sheer intellectual brilliance.

"No, I'm challenging you to a fight to see who can eat a popsicle the fastest."

Because overly dramatic showdowns need equally overly dramatic ways of doing battle.

Obviously.

XXX

In hindsight, I should've expected a total defeat from the get-go. There was just no way that I could possibly compare to the devastating eating-speed of a woman who could keep up with Nagato at her most ravenous.

Still, I got to watch her collapse from brain-freeze. So the day wasn't a complete loss.

It's kind of annoying that I have to accept my defeat gracefully, but I've gotten pretty graceful about finding ways to be vengefully annoying for a prolonged period of time. I admit that I couldn't have developed such fearsome techniques without the presence of my little sister in my life, even if I'd never willingly admit to it. The little brat would try and hold it over my head without mercy.

I wonder if it says something about my life that most everyone in it has been corrupted one way or the other by the enemy's horrible influence. Then again, I can't really imagine what they would've been like without it, so I'm not going to think overly much on the subject.

No, much better to focus on avenging my loss, preferably in a manner that the enemy cannot counter.

"Kyon, if you keep hogging the AC-exhaust, I'm gonna start kicking you." The heartless demon comments absently from her perch on the couch.

Accepting the challenge for what it is, I nobly launch a preemptive strike with a pillow aimed at her head.

Eye twitching dangerously, she peels the pillow off of her face, and then ruthlessly begins kicking at me.

By the time my cellphone rings, I've long since been pinned on top of the couch that I'd halfway through attempted to seek shelter behind, my arm twisted awkwardly, and my eyes watering from the continuous and torturous exposure to the horror of the enemy's taste in movies.

The enemy grabs the phone for me, seeing as I can't actually move from underneath her – far too warm, even with the AC running – body.

"Yeah, the idiot got bored, so we're having a movie night." She responds to the person on the other side.

I'm not entirely sure I'd classify this torture as 'movie night', seeing as it is a word that generally feels like it ought to only be connected to movies that aren't actually physically painful to watch. And also, whoever came up with the plot for this thing is an absolute moron.

"His AC broke." The enemy carelessly reveals the weaknesses of my stronghold to an unknown party. "If you wanna fix it, sure. But don't push yourself on the idiot's account."

I see, so it's not an unknown party, it's Nagato. Only she'd be so willing to offer up aid in my time of dire need, and actually have reliable access to my apartment, seeing as how she has a key to it.

Much like half the Brigade does, come to think of it. And the only reason Koizumi is excluded from that list is the fact that I'm entirely convinced that he'd sneak into my room in the middle of the night, undress, crawl into bed with me, and then wake me up in the morning playing the 'ravished innocent', just for shits and giggles.

As neither Asahina-senpai nor Nagato would ever consider exposing me to something like that first thing in the morning, they're allowed to have keys. Understandably, Haruhi is also excluded from that list, since she's the enemy, and any hero needs at least a bit of a head's up before allowing such a vicious demon into one's lair. Not to mention my complete conviction that she'd do _the same damn thing as Koizumi_.

Truly, my enemy is a monster to be feared beyond measure.

She's also rather clearly a bad influence on the poor developing minds of the younger populace. Why, I remember a time when I might've let my little sister have a key to my apartment in the case of an emergency or something, but now that time has forever passed. Mainly because I have no interest in waking up by receiving an elbow-drop to the solar plexus at four AM, despite the little brat living in a different city. Trust me, she'd do it. The once sweet little girl of my memories has been completely corrupted by the enemy's incomprehensible evil.

"I'm pretty sure I forgot to water the plants." I offer to the cellphone in her grip, knowing that Nagato will catch my hint even without me stating it outright.

Asahina-senpai always seems to enjoy watering plants for some reason. I've consciously avoided trying to understand it, seeing as how it could possibly give me a headache to allow my thoughts to linger on it for too long. Much like I'm very carefully not thinking about how she at one point had to be 'reminded' that boats of this era made use of the clever physical phenomena called 'buoyancy' in order to stay afloat on water.

Still, Nagato would understand the hint. And whilst I'm still not sure if I technically classify as a high-ranking enough hero that I'm allowed to take on someone as amazingly competent as Nagato as my sidekick, it's common sense to attempt to help out where I can in return for the aid she continues to provide me with.

An afternoon in a private environment where Asahina-senpai can feel safe, and where Nagato can deliberately get smeared enough with grease that a shower might be necessary? A shower where she can easily forget to have brought a spare change of clothing for when she gets back out, forcing her into wearing only a – hopefully very tempting – single towel?

It's the least I can do in return for such a wonderful ally in the face of the enemy.

The enemy rolls her eyes, obviously catching on. "That shower is easily big enough for two, you know."

I blink, feeling my attention slip a little as that particular scene of a potential future plays out in front of my innocent mind's eye in a way that's _most_ distracting. To so easily form such a terrifyingly efficient plan! What daring cunning! Truly, she's the most fearsome of all the demons in the world.

Rolling her eyes at me and ending the call, she shoves an elbow into my spine. "My shower is still bigger."

Ah... That's true-... But-... Well-... Crud.

I guess I'm going to have to completely surrender to the cruel demon's wicked whims.

Oh, but such horrific misfortune. Yes... _misfortune_...

Haruhi smacks me lightly over the head. "Quit drooling on my couch, dumbass."

XXX

 **A/n: I have no idea where this came from, and I had no idea where this was going. But it's always fun to write Kyon and his own special brand of internal monologue.**


End file.
